Gah.

Today is one of those days where you want to go back to bed because you just know... KNOW that it's going to be on the top 20 worst days of your life.
Even happy music makes me moody. Which is a challenge.
I've been listening to pathetically sad music all day long and even thought about buying an old Damien Rice cd to really intensify my depression. But I didn't because Target only had the new one and I heard that the new CD was really kind of happy and I wanted to relive the depression of some summers ago, with Areli and Staci. I was so skinny then. Well yes, I guess that is the perks of being heart broken... but now I think my heart is too bent to be broken.
Yes. I hope that I will be like the lady from "Classic Cars".
Yum.
Seriously.... I feel like drowning in jello. That is how low I would sink to disappear right now.
Inspirational I know.
I need to vacuum.
And the likely-hood of Chris (aka Deli Boy) asking me out is practically slim to none, mostly because I (hopefully) leave on Monday... but alas, we have reached the source of my sadness.
The loan company has yet to say whether or not they will give me the money for the whole year, right now they have only agreed to a semester (20K and i need 38K). I will know by tomorrow. If it isn't good news, I'm not sure my heart could take it. I may cry for days. I may murder plants. I may eat meat, so that I can have a a seizure and die.
I really hope it won't come to that though. Hopefully they will call and say: "Yes, we will give you all this money to go to school. Yes, we want you to be in debt."

I can't even think about if they don't.
My stomach twists and I feel ILL. Violently and tragically ill, nasty butterflies... no, they aren't butterflies; they're maggots eating the inside of my body. And it's just... unbearable.
I try to think of puppy dogs and unicorns but even that has ceased to work on my mood.

I'm even contemplating going running, which I think is tragic.
I mean really.

Maybe I'll bake tonight... that will release endorphins but I doubt there will ever be enough but good news.
"I wanna hear good news, good news. I wanna be innocent again."

Blast.
I really have all these wonderful ideas for stories, but I just don't have the heart to write them down. Although I did beta for this wonderful, if not disturbing fic that included Percy/Peter. It was well written and original; which everything I've been writting lately has lacked. So it was nice to see that SOMEONE has talent to spare.

I can't even look at my audition pieces without bursting into tears and simultaneously wanting to end my life in a really painful way. Even if I don't like pain. This would all be better if Deli Boy would ask me out, and we would go out and possibly fuck away my problems. But then again, he looks a little sweet for that. He may even be gay, but he flirts in such a wonderful way. And ohmyGodyoushouldseehiswrists!
Heavenly.
Anyway, I'm going to head to the deli tomorrow no matter what the result of the depressing Loan compnay because I'm getting my hair done and then I'm going to eat lots of chocolate cake and hope he'll ask me out and avoid Jeremey (Cook Boy) who keeps asking me out. I obviously give off the wrong signs because all the guys I like are intimidated and all those who I'm not interested in flock to me.

My right foot hurts.
And I've spent the whole day in a constant state of prayer.

Mfdoausdf;ajksdf;aowifuawrfjwOFIUJWAOFU.
Yes. That's exactly how I feel. Insert some flailing, tears and desperation; that is the definition of my being right now.